Your kids aren’t the only ones who need to learn how to interact with their peers … parents do too

by Daphne Berryhill

One thing many new parents want — besides more sleep, extra help and yep, paid bills — is conversation. Real conversation. With other parents experiencing a similar version of the same thing they’re going through and at the same time.

Sure, wisdom (and help) from grandparents is great! So is advice from a big sister who had her first baby a decade ago. But grandparents learned all about caring for babies back in the early edition days of What to Expect and your sister from the always on-brand 2010s filled with airbrushed celeb moms and superhacks for the perfect everything.

Becoming a parent today is about finding what mostly works until it doesn’t, living with the unexpected, finding your own parenting style, and having the flexibility to change it all up, either because you have to or because you want to. And yep, parenting includes the dads too.

Peers in parenting

If you’ve cared for babies over the past few years, there’s a special bond you share with others who’ve also parented through a pandemic, closures, shortages, WFH juggles, rapid price increases and just general chaos. You’ve learned to improvise and simplify, not because of some on-trend style, but because you’ve had to.

Just like when you first became a teen or first began adulting, life transitions are times when there’s an enhanced desire to connect with other people, forming new relationships. This can also be true when you first become a parent, taking on the enormous responsibility of raising a little human, while feeling an incredible (and sometimes overwhelming) amount of love, fear and fatigue too.

Feeling lonely? You’re not alone

Many new parents don’t automatically have built-in parent friends. Maybe you were the first to become a parent in your friend group or are living somewhere new. Or maybe you’ve always felt socially awkward and are dreading having to enter a new social arena that seems even more bewildering.

But even if you’ve always made friends easily and assumed it'd be just as easy to make connections once you became a parent, you might end up finding that starting conversations with other parents is a lot different than talking with new people at school or work. You might even feel like that awkward version of yourself back in middle school.

So it’s not surprising that loneliness is such a common feeling among new parents, even when you’re never actually alone. And even for parents who are partnered, the love of their life may feel more like a fellow shift worker (working an opposite shift) as they juggle the basics of home life, work and sleep.

Social media can be a place to start, but IRL is definitely where good conversation can grow into great friendships. So once you’re in-person (yay to you! — getting there is no small feat) how can you start a conversation with other parents? An interesting one, that’s not about the weather and maybe not even about your kids

Conversation starters

Here are a few ideas to get a conversation going — that might lead somewhere good:

Share a positive experience that might interest them

Did you find a place that gives a great toddler hair cut? Or maybe you have a new favorite hidden gem of a park with a stroller-friendly trail? Just tried out a new dump-and-go recipe that wasn’t too bad, and maybe even healthy-ish? While there’s so much information out there, most people really appreciate personal recs.

Complain about something - what's been annoying you lately?

Who doesn’t love to know they’re not the only one totally annoyed. As long as your rant is short-lived, sharing an everyday frustration can be a great starting point of conversation. And somehow, just knowing other people have crap days, can make your own crap days not feel so bad.

Go ahead .. gossip, it’s okay

Humans crave information about new things happening. For our ancestors, maybe this gossip had more salience than learning about the latest season of Bridgerton about to drop or hearing about the newest storefront coming to town. As long as it’s not personal or mean, gossip can be fun, and sometimes useful too, like information about upcoming road construction or changes happening in the local schools.

Reminisce - go back a decade or two

As soon as you become a parent — whether you’re in your 20s or 40s — you suddenly feel a generation older. Is it sleep deprivation or just the fact that your little one is growing up in a world vastly different from the one you grew up in? Either way, it’s a fun time to talk about old media and cultural trends that are old enough to feel out-of-date but not old enough that they’ve already gone through their first round of rebranding.

Share a complement - don’t keep nice thoughts to yourself

If you find yourself noticing someone’s chic new haircut. Or you’re low-key jealous of their stay-cool parenting vibe. Or you’re awe-inspired by their generosity. Tell them. Parents often feel invisible, unnoticed and underappreciated. A sincere compliment or kind word is definitely worth sharing.

Share your latest haul that didn’t break your baby budget

Finding ways to save money is a must for new parents, especially in the 2020s. If you found some great baby deals, sites for second hand stuff, or creative ways to repurpose or substitute, these are great need-to-knows, and great ways to connect with other new parents.

Ask good questions, but great follow-up ones

Questions are often the easiest way to start a conversation. Open-ended ones, related to something you know that you have in common is a good starting point. But be careful. Too many questions can feel like an interrogation. And questions that are too personal might seem like you’re sizing them up. Sometimes, following their lead with follow-up questions is a better opportunity to create momentum in the conversation.

Ask for advice

While most people don’t want unsolicited advice, they’ll likely be happy to give their advice when asked. Of course, not on super deep topics, but things like what to give your tween nephew for his birthday, how to back out of an overcommitment that you somehow made or whether you should convert your lawn to grass-free (is that really possible?).

Share your latest oof

Learning to parent means learning from mistakes. We’ve all been there. But it can sometimes feel like you’re the only new parent lacking an “I’ve got this” vibe. Letting others in on our mess-ups is good for everyone all around.

Show vulnerability

Opening up about struggles is a way of sharing vulnerability, often taking the conversation to a deeper level. But only share what you feel comfortable sharing. Being vague is okay too — “I’m going through a lot of stuff right now” is enough. People get it, and they’re probably going through a lot of stuff right now too.

Share some local news

New parents want to feel like they’re in the know and part of a community. Is it the nesting instinct? Does settling into parenthood make you feel like settling down too? Or maybe you’re starting to think about schools — with the exponential growth you’ve seen in your little bundle of joy, it can’t be that far away, right?

Share something that’s helping you find your flow?

Have you figured out how to make the sleepy baby transfer from arms to crib without your baby even noticing? Or how to eat dinner with your partner ... at the same time. Or maybe you cracked the code to wellness-work-family-life balance, even if only for a day. Sometimes our best source of learning as parents is from each other.

Up Next ... Conversation Etiquette

You may have noticed that conversations in recent years have become a bit tricky, sometimes, even with people we already know. Stay tuned, for the nitty gritty of conversation etiquette ... so that once you get that conversation going, it'll be one everyone will look forward to having again!

Connecting with other parents